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Binyavanga Wainainainaina - How to Spell About Africa

Use the words "Africa" or "Darkness" or "Safari" in your name. Sub-titles may contain the words'Zanzibar','Masai','Zulu','Zambezi','Congo','Nile','GroƟ','Himmel','Schatten','Trommel','Sonne' or'Vergangenheit'. Notice that" humans" are not Africans who are blacks, while" humans" are Africans. Do not have a good African image on the front page of your text or in it unless that African has won the Nobel Prize.

When you need to involve an africanian, make sure you get one in Masai, Zulu or Dogon outfit. Deal with Africa in your text like a state. It' s warm and dirty with meadows on wheels and vast flocks of hungry big, thin mammals. Alternatively, it's warm and vaporous with very small humans eating prime.

Fifty-four African lands, 900 million of them too engaged in hunger and death and struggle and emigration to study your work. Be sure to show how Africans have African rhythms and musicians in their soul and are eating things that other peoples don't like. Not to forget paddy and bovine meats and wheels; brains of monkeys is an African kitchen of your choosing, as are goats, snakes, larvae and all kinds of deer.

Taboos: common home situations, affection between Africans (except death), reference to Africans writing or intellect, reference to schoolchildren who do not suffer from yaw or Ebola fevers or FGM. During the whole volume, take a sinto voices, in plot with the readers, and a sorry I-expected so much sound.

Find out early on that your libertarianism is flawless and start by mentioning how much you like Africa, how much you have fallen in love with the place and cannot survive without it. Sub-Saharan Africa is the only part of the world you can truly enjoy. When you are a women, you are treating Africa like a man wearing a shrub coat and disappearing into the sundown.

We must pity, worship or control Africa. Whatever you choose, you' ll make the powerful statement that Africa is lost without your interventions and your important work. They can have nude fighters, faithful minions, fortune tellers and visionaries, old hermetic sages. Modern Africans are oily men who steal and work in visas and refuse to give work visas to skilled Westerners who really take good charge of Africa.

You must always involve the starving African among your character, who walks almost bare through the refugees camps waiting for the good will of the West. Look for a homely, maternal lady who has a smile on her face and cares about your well-being. Those protagonists should circle your key character and make him look good.

Bath Westerns signs may belong to Tory's officeholders, Africans, staff of the World Bank. If we talk about foreigners' exploitations, we refer to China and India. Do not let Africans smile, raise their babies or just find their way around in everyday life. Let them shed light on Europe or America in Africa.

Africans should be colorful, extravagant, bigger than their lives - but empty inside, without dialog, without conflict or solutions in their histories, without profundity or shortcomings, to distract the cause. There are corpses. Or rather, bare corpses. And, above all, to rot bare corpses. Keep in mind that any work you hand in where folks look dirty and wretched is called the "real Africa," and you want that on your book cover.

Describing or showing deceased or afflicted whites is the greatest taboos when it comes to Africa. On the other side, pets have to be handled as well as round, complicated figures. All of the brief Africans living in the jungles or in the deserts can be depicted with good humor (unless they are in a fight with an animal or chimp or gorilla, in which case they are purely evil).

According to prominent campaigners and helpers, nature conservators are the most important Africans. In many cases, a beech wood case with a heroic-looking nature conservator looks magical for sale. The reader will be deterred if you do not speak of the lights in Africa. If you want to see the sun set, the sun set in Africa is a must. If you write about the distress of wildlife, make sure Africa is over populated.

If your protagonist lives in a deserts or jungles with tribal people, it is okay to say that Africa has been heavily underpopulated by AIDS and war (use caps). They also need a night club known as Tropicana, where hung out hawkers, wicked, nouveau-rich Africans and streetwalkers, guerillas and expat.

Finish your story with Nelson Mandela, who says something about a rainbow or a rennaissance.

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